Phillipsburg, NJ - With winter approaching, P.A.J.A.M.A., the Phillipsburg Association of Judgmental Adults Monitoring Absolutely-everything, has pledged to patrol town streets to ensure that parking spaces shoveled out by residents remain properly protected by lawn chairs, garbage cans, broken furniture, and whatever other household bullshit can survive a snowstorm.
The cigarette-smoking, pajama-clad, Facebook-addicted constitutional scholars have declared that anyone spending 20 minutes shoveling a public parking space automatically receives lifetime ownership of that section of asphalt.
Under P.A.J.A.M.A.’s proposed enforcement system, removing a lawn chair from a freshly shoveled spot constitutes a Class A Neighborhood Betrayal, punishable by 300 angry Facebook comments and a blurry photograph of your license plate.
Approved space-saving devices include recycling bins, folding chairs, traffic cones, and an old recliner that hasn’t been indoors since the Clinton administration.
Members will conduct patrols from heated vehicles while smoking cigarettes and posting complaints about people who refuse to shovel their sidewalks.
The organization also announced that residents who shovel out a space and then leave it unoccupied for six consecutive days will retain full ownership, provided the chair remains standing.
P.A.J.A.M.A. reminds residents that public streets belong to everyone.
Except the spot in front of their house.
That’s private property, asshole.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.