Phillipsburg, NJ - A coalition of out-of-town absentee landlords has formed the Phillipsburg Black Fly Breeders Association, announcing plans to transform neglected rental properties into what they proudly describe as “self-sustaining insect production facilities.”
Association president Seymour Rentz says the program combines environmental conservation, financial responsibility, and the highly successful practice of not giving a shit.
“People spend thousands attracting wildlife to their properties,” Rentz explained. “We’ve discovered that a couple of overflowing garbage cans, knee-high weeds, and six months of accumulated dog shit can turn an ordinary backyard into a five-star fly resort.”
The association’s revolutionary breeding strategy, “Let It Rot, Let It Fly,” encourages members to leave dog waste, rotting garbage, and other organic delicacies undisturbed while nature handles the recruitment.
Rentz believes an exploding fly population will benefit Phillipsburg by encouraging residents to spend less time outdoors, reducing neighborhood noise, and bringing communities together through the shared experience of swatting themselves in the face.
“These flies don’t discriminate,” Rentz explained. “Homeowners, renters, Democrats, Republicans. Everybody gets bitten. It’s the kind of unity this town desperately needs.”
Rentz also praised Phillipsburg Town Council’s decision to repeal the rent-control ordinance earlier this year.
“That was a real turning point,” he said. “Money that might have gone toward keeping rents affordable can now be invested in more important things, like my new pool heater.”
According to Rentz, most association members live comfortably outside Phillipsburg, enjoying beautifully landscaped homes, professional lawn service, and large in-ground swimming pools.
“Obviously, we would never tolerate these conditions where we actually live,” Rentz said. “That’s why we own property in Phillipsburg.”
The association is now seeking recognition for its contributions to environmental sustainability, with Rentz arguing that the town’s leadership should appreciate landlords who continue finding innovative ways to make money without setting foot in the community.
As for tenants demanding cleaner properties, Rentz offered a simple solution.
“If they don’t like the flies, they can move. The flies aren’t going anywhere. Neither is the rent.”
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.