Phillipsburg, NJ - Town officials have delivered devastating news to Phillipsburg residents: Complaining on Facebook does not automatically summon the police.
The revelation came after concerns about scooters, e-bikes, and sidewalk obstructions prompted officials to remind residents that reporting violations requires an actual phone call.
The announcement reportedly left the town’s elite squad of keyboard detectives questioning their entire existence.
For years, residents have relied on blurry photographs, excessive capitalization, and the phrase “SOMEBODY NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING” as their primary law enforcement strategy.
The situation is particularly troubling for citizens who have spent decades perfecting the art of tagging the mayor beneath pictures of illegally parked vehicles.
One concerned resident, who asked to remain anonymous due to outstanding warrants, raised serious financial questions about the new reporting expectations, arguing that calling the police every time something pisses her off could force her to purchase additional minutes for her prepaid cellphone.
She is demanding to know whether Phillipsburg Town Council intends to distribute free prepaid phone cards to residents being asked to perform unpaid neighborhood surveillance.
Under the proposed “Snitch & Save Wireless Assistance Program,” qualifying residents would receive 500 complimentary complaint minutes per month, unlimited calls to Town Hall, and emergency rollover minutes for particularly offensive parking situations.
Residents exceeding their monthly allowance would be required to mind their own fucking business until the first of the following month.
Meanwhile, Phillipsburg police face a serious tactical disadvantage against scooter riders, who have discovered that a $300 scooter can escape a $90,000 police cruiser simply by hopping onto a sidewalk.
Residents are now facing an uncomfortable reality.
The police cannot respond to a Facebook complaint they haven’t seen.
But twelve unemployed, very opinionated, Facebook-addicted mothers named Karen McBitcherson sure as hell can.
This article is intended for satirical purposes only. If you choose to believe this bullshit, we welcome your readership, but seriously question your intellect.